New Beginnings

Beginning Anew: New Beginnings

 

 

You are who you’ve always been, even before the thought of you was ever conceived. So, you and life will always go forth in the continuum of space and time. Where the confluence of all things and non-things always meet in every moment without pause, and so shall you – us – all of everything and time meets like never before.

But, what happens when we take something out of the equation? We then enter into an unknown and must formulate on and forward from there … anew – from the unknown to search, work and solve for the known.

If it is time that is taken out of the equation, since it is, merely, a measure of velocity – how fast something travels over a distance, or the distance something moves over a given “system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other … indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another”¹, we can see it is a construct of humankind as a device, a tool to help us understand all that which is around us. And if we use this tool as a measure of control, and if we bind ourselves too it, feeling its non-existent grip tighten around our throats to choke out any reason for hope or constricting around our chests in attempts to blight our hearts beat for life only to numb us to each moments passing – passing away eternally into the great expanse just in the very instant it was born to, barely, take its first breath – we become passive or accustomed to the very living of our lives. Soon, before we forget, before we even remember, we must act with aforethought, giving purpose, not simply to move forward without direction or to take action for the sake of action, time or sloth, but, our goal ought to be twofold; to go forth from now and every now in our lives with the purpose and causation that we’ve never given ourselves, yet, had always existed for us to live our lives with and, with ceaseless wonderment, discover all there is to discover and return to our life’s origin to begin anew, freshly awakening before we embark once more on our life’s journey over and again.

 

And in closing, I’d like to leave you with something T.S. Eliot said as only he can say it so well:

 

We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all

our exploring will be to arrive at where we started

and know the place for the first time.²

 

 

 ¹(Random House Webster’s unabridged dictionary, second edition, 2001, p1984)   

² Little Gidding, from Four Quarters, British       

Where I Found Love

Where I Found Love

Inspired by ‘We Found Love’ by Rihanna

and Related Conversations

 

I was listening to the radio one night and the host began a segment of the show listing some of the most common misunderstood lyrics. Afterwards, he shared some lyrics he misinterpreted from a current song on the airwaves today. His version of the lyrics are “We found love in a homeless place …”, the real lyrics to the Rihanna song are “We found love in a hopeless place …”. His 12 and 15 year old daughters still tease him about it.

 

I found both versions to be intriguing as to where love actually is, how I define it and how I know if I am feeling it or not – having love or not. Most times, in my own life, I feel love for most everyone or at least I want to. I’m working on that to improve it to loving everyone. But, one of the hardest things I struggle with is the love for myself. In love, we are to be compassionate and tolerant, patient and eternal, unconditional - without limits. But, these are all the things I don’t have for myself in any way or I twist them to make it right for myself. The result is that it never works and I wind up hating myself intensely for any variety of reasons.

 

In the gloom and doom of loneliness, I spend too much time in self-inflection. That’s a bad place for me since I keep reminding myself of reasons I should be upset at someone or that I should define myself by external standards, my failures/ perceived failures, etc. I guess, this is where I feel the greatest sense of abandonment – self-abandonment. Other elements that make things worse include my complete lack of trust in others (which I learned early on) and the fact that I often feel I don’t have anyone to talk to about things, even on a day to day basis.   

 

Going through an old folder, I came across a handout entitled ‘Common Self Defeating Beliefs’ that also included some affirmations on the following pages. There were a few self-defeating beliefs about love that I identified with, but, one stuck out:   highlighted in yellow

4. Approval Addiction: I need everyone’s approval to be worthwhile

5. Love Addiction: I can’t feel happy and fulfilled without being loved.

    If I am not loved then life is not worth living.

6. Fear of Rejection: If you reject me, it proves that there is something wrong

    with me. If I am alone, I’m bound to feel miserable and worthless.

 

There are several affirmations that directly tie into how I feel that I need to look into more seriously and introduce into my daily life are, some more than others: mention the ones in yellow; they are most prominent to me

 

7. I love and accept myself the way I am.

8. I deserve good things in life as much as anyone else.

16. I am learning to love myself.

17. I am learning to be more comfortable with myself.

18. If someone does not return my love, I let it go and move on.

36. When I love and care for myself, I am best able to be generous to others.

 

The Promises these affirmations most resemble, to me at least, really stand out as the following:

4. Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us.

8. We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.

9. Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set.

 

I’m taking some steps into consideration in evaluating my own character and personality traits, separating my self-image from the image others have of who I am. I am also in consideration of my own personality and values, and in learning more about them all, I learn more about my faults, reactions and how to come to terms with myself, which, in turn, allows me a greater knowledge of how to interact with others. I also realize I need to allow myself to grow and evolve; make mistakes and learn – allowing myself to be human, that it’s ok to make mistakes.

 

In other ways, I need to do nothing but listen internally. Whether I am listening to nothing, being ever so silent or listening to whatever thoughts or feelings pop up, I have to realize I am not to react; my only purpose is to bear witness to them. Mindfulness is a way to reflect upon what I am feeling - whether I’m feeling hungry or a deep seated hatred for myself - and not react. But I need to practice this more as I haven’t been very mindful of           my own needs.    

 

After going through the simple, yet, cathartic process of doing this lead, I am reminded of several things. I know now that I find love all around me. I find love everywhere. I find love in places like this. And, I also find love in people like you. As I began making these realizations, I found love isn’t homeless. Love has a home in all our hearts, if we choose it so, and it doesn’t have to be hopeless.

 

Finally, as I was preparing this, my co-pilot whispered to me:

 

Remember,

when darkness falls

and you have slipped

into the deepest hallows of tonight,

look    up to the evening sky

and know

that when you see the glimmer

of the stars above,

there is hope where there is light.

 

 

 

Things I've Been Told

Things I’ve Been Told

 

My grandmother always used to tell me that God had something in store for me. And so I waited and waited and … waited. Nothing ever came of it, so I moved on thinking nothing would ever come of it. Along the way, I figured that God, either, had something/everything in store for us all or He had nothing in store for any of us whatsoever. It just seems to me He’s one of those guys – all in or all out – not one of those kinda-sorta-may be-in-between guys.

 

See, on October 5^th, 1985, I was diagnosed an acute form of leukemia. I had been sick for months, but had been diagnosed with slurry of infectious or contagious diseases that had kept me home from school in the days leading up to my diagnosis. On October 4^th, I had been home having breakfast and a conversation with my mother. After about thirty to forty minutes at the kitchen table, I stood to bring my dish to the sink, but … I couldn’t straighten my right leg. The inside of my thigh was painful and the vein running from hip to knee was a bright pink-red. None of this was present when I sat for breakfast.

 

I was immediately taken to the local hospital, but, was only kept overnight. They didn’t seem to want anything to do with me …suddenly, the current diagnosis of mono and ‘kissing bandit’ moniker dissipated as my illness took shape as something much more dire and serious than anyone had thought. The doctors transferred me to Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago the next day, October 5^th.

 

The doctors and Children’s Memorial already knew what I had (probably) before I even got there, but, ran the tests as procedure. It was about three p.m. when the hematology/oncology doctors, my parents and I crammed into a small white room containing a smaller bed and an even smaller desk for the end result. I had A.L.L. – acute lymphoblastic leukemia, a blood cancer. The pain and red vein in my right thigh were a result of my advanced illness. I was so filled with cancer, it was filling my blood vessels, capillary by capillary, vein by vein; it had nowhere else to go. So, what did that mean for me? I may need to have the right leg amputated at the hip, but, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves … I may not even get to see Christmas. I was told that it would be a true gift if I made it through the holidays.

 

A few hours later, I was finally admitted – officially. It was about 6:30 p.m. when I, at long last, settled into my room for the evening. My mother stepped out to the cafeteria for some coffee or something, leaving me in a precarious and dangerous situation – alone with my pops. Being caught alone with him is dangerous because it gives him free reign to do or say whatever he wants with no one to bear witness to his deeds – a great tactic. So, he seized the opportunity like a crocodile wrapping its’ mighty jaws around a gnus’ neck to draw out any chance for escape and drown any possibility of hope.

 

Now, keep in mind, I’m thirteen and had just found out I may lose a leg and might not make it to Christmas, much less any life beyond. He seized the opportunity to tell me that ‘… if it doesn’t work out, not to worry about it [he] has another son to carry on the last name.’

 

That, in a nutshell, is the relationship I have with my father, and mother.

 

I went into remission November 5^th, 1985 – all parts intact - and have never looked back.

 

I’ve had lots of time to think about what I heard – nearly three decades. I had always wondered what God had in store for me, when I’d receive it and why it would take a near death experience at the age of thirteen to bring that on. Is that what it takes to put ‘what God has in store’ into motion? If not, what would it take?

 

I’ve, sorta, come to figure that it isn’t so much about God and all the angels in Heaven as it is about the human condition. Cancer happens every day. People are born. We live, we die; life goes on here on earth and in Heaven (depending on your beliefs). But, what remains is how I’m left wondering; How do we handle the life we’re given? How do we handle the sunny days? How do we handle love? How do we handle the job we always wanted and didn't get? How do we handle crisis, when bad news is wrapped in tragedy?

 

Sometimes, perhaps always, life is about the next guy.